I canât pinpoint exactly when I developed anxiety, but thatâs because I didnât know about it. When I was growing up, I didnât hear about the topic of mental health unless it was the butt of a joke. However, I do remember when I first learned that the tightening in my chest, the burning sensation in my hands and the sleepless nights were related to anxiety. I had just graduated from college and started seeing a new therapist who had diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder. At the time, I felt anger and denial. Years later, as I enter my fourth year as a school principal, I have come to appreciate my anxiety as a superpower.
Having an anxiety disorder is more than just feeling anxious. Itâs human nature to worry, but for some of us, living with and managing anxiety is more complex than just not worrying. Sometimes it becomes persistent and starts to get in the way of daily experiences, like it did for me. There are a variety of anxiety disorders that affect people in different ways and theyâre more common than you might think. So many people are living with anxiety and other mental health challenges, especially after living through the pandemic, and yet, it still carries this stigma, particularly in communities of color.
As a Black woman, thatâs been the case for me. I recall a conversation I had with one of my family members after he learned that I was diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder. He encouraged me to remember all the struggles my grandmother went through and how she never hung her head or seemed sad, but instead she pushed through. âItâs all a matter of perspective,â he said. âYou just have to elevate your perspective.â
This aligns with other messages Iâve picked up on. Iâve often felt pressure from family, friends, colleagues, and my community to fulfill the âstrong Black womanâ stereotype. Sometimes thatâs translated into an unrealistic expectation to never let others know when Iâm experiencing pain, doubt, sadness or any other emotion that could be characterized as a weakness.
How My Anxiety Manifested When I Started Working in Schools
When I became a teacher, my anxiety worsened noticeably and that continued as I began gaining more responsibility in my work and transitioned into school leadership. I quickly realized, there were so many triggers in my day. Any major event, unexpected challenge, difficult conversation, or potentially unpopular decision sent paralyzing electricity through my body. Those feelings were always there and now I had a name for them, but I still didnât know what to do with them.
Shortly after becoming a school leader, I received the best advice for managing anxiety from the greatest therapist I have ever worked with. She said, âYou have anxiety. Just accept it. Learn to ride the wave.â To ride the wave of my anxiety and not let it control me, I had to reject the ableist notion that anxiety is a weakness. I had to start to see it as a reality I needed to learn to cope with instead of fighting against it. So I did.
I started to learn how my anxiety manifested itself and what typically triggered it so I could prepare myself for the tight chest and warm hands, recognizing they would come, but also knowing I would get through it and I would be okay. When I was overwhelmed with tasks, I would no longer panic and shut down. Instead, I slowed down and made a plan to tackle one situation at a time. When I anticipated having to give or receive difficult feedback and my heart would race, I used progressive muscle relaxation, a technique to calm my body and my mind. When it felt like things were piling up on my shoulders, I learned to advocate for what I needed and tap into my teammates who wanted to support me.
As a school principal, I have realized that my anxiety is not only something I have stopped fighting, itâs something Iâve embraced as an important part of my identity. I would not be the leader I am today without it. Being anxious makes me hyper aware of everything and everyone around me and that helps me notice the small, important details that lead to more thoughtful decisions.
Some people say they come up with their best ideas in the shower. I come up with my best ideas at 3:00 a.m. when I canât sleep because Iâm ruminating on a problem from the day before. While I would certainly appreciate a few more minutes of shut-eye, this is the time when I have the most clarity, when I can think without the noise of the busy school day and consider all possible angles of a situation. My tendency to overthink has made me deeply reflective about the decisions I make, the feedback I give, and the setbacks I experience as a leader. This level of clarity is important as a leader because everything we do impacts our staff and students.
Anxiety is like having my own version of x-ray vision. Where I used to perseverate on how other people would respond to what I say and do, I have learned to slow down and sit in the moment, to listen to what is being said â and whatâs left unsaid. This has helped me develop strong relationships with the leaders I coach because I am able to ask the right questions to understand where they are coming from and push their thinking.
Appreciating My Anxiety As an Essential Part of My Identity
As someone with anxiety, one reality I face is that I can be incredibly sensitive to my environment. When I feel psychologically unsafe, I not only feel anxious, but I feel I need to put on a mask to protect myself, which is exhausting. But when I am in an environment where I feel respected and safe being my authentic self, I do my best work. And as a principal, I recognize that in order for my students and staff to do their best work, I have to develop the type of environment where they can show up and be themselves.
Learning to appreciate my anxiety as an essential part of who I am has been a challenging process, but itâs been critical to my growth as a leader. I have had to unlearn the idea that having anxiety or any other mental health condition is a weakness.
As a leader, I continue to learn how to take an asset-based approach to developing the teachers at my school. I lean into their strengths, but it has been tough to do the same for myself. Over time, Iâve dug deeper into how my anxiety shapes my identity and experiences, how I can cope with it and leverage it as a strength in my work. Once I stopped focusing on the stigma, I became more in tune with myself and ultimately, became a better leader. By talking more about my experiences with anxiety, I hope others will be able to do the same.
