You’re single (or even starting a new relationship) but there’s a shadow lurking: your previous partner. If that’s you, you may be wondering how to get over an ex, and really move on.
It’s a common feeling. Maybe during the day you don’t think about your ex, but when night comes and you go to bed your brain starts to work. You are plagued by doubts, you think about what could have been, and you review the happy moments (forgetting, of course, those moments that were not so happy).
You may even get the not-so brilliant idea of going through your old photos, stalking their social media, or, even worse, reaching out to them. No matter how much time has passed since your last contact, the shadow of that former love follows you wherever you go and may even make it impossible for you to open up to someone new.
Does this sound like you? Then it’s time for the truth: You have not forgotten your ex-partner, and it can become a problem.
Is it possible to break up and still be in love?
Whether the end of your relationship was determined by a specific event that made it impossible for either of you to continue or if you have come to an end for no apparent reason, breaking up does not necessarily mean that love has come to an end.
“In these cases it is necessary to learn to take distance from the emotion; love is important in a relationship, of course, but it is certainly not everything,” says María Cordón, a psychologist specializing in gender perspective. “It is true that we cannot avoid our feelings, but we can change our behaviors. Normally what we try to do is to avoid these unpleasant emotions and feelings at all costs, but it is important to understand that they will be present and, if we try to escape them, they will probably reappear with much more force. It’s what we would call the ‘boomerang effect.’”
So, taking into account that it is possible to start a new chapter while still in love with your ex, let’s move on to the complicated part: How do we do it? Cordón gives us the answer.
“By modifying our behavior progressively,” she says. “In this way, your emotions will also change. If you feel like talking to your ex, instead of doing so, call or write someone close to you instead. If you feel like seeing that person, do something instead that helps you feel good: your favorite hobby, practicing a sport, or a marathon of that series you are hooked on. It is important to develop these alternative behaviors, as well as to focus on what makes you connect with your essence and values.”
How do you say goodbye to comparisons?
If you’re already in a new relationship but haven’t quite gotten over the old one, comparing them can be a pitfall. This is because the dynamics of the bond of a relationship are once again present.
